Thursday, March 15, 2012



Is it weird that I was rooting for the bad guys throughout this movie? I mean, they were represented by the hot, semi-nude, and bitchy Traci Lords, while we were supposed to feel sympathy for the tusked green natives who talk in fakey accents and gesture a lot. That doesn’t sound like much of a competition to me. Give me Traci Lords any day.

Yeah, I said it.

And give me this low-budget train wreck over the high-budget train wreck of John Carter any day. While that movie is chock-full of loudness and wall-to-wall CGI, this one is the kind of simple, dunderheaded mess that is much more fun to watch. Admittedly, I haven’t seen the big-screen version, because I don’t want to contribute to our blockbuster lets-watch-anything culture. But when I inevitably catch it riddled with commercials one late night on FX, I know what to expect: the same story as this film, just without any sense of real joy or adventure.

Does that make this movie good? God no. It’s a mess. But I think, deep down, it knows it’s a mess. After all, it stars Antonio Sabato Jr. alongside green guys with tusks.

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