BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB

               
BLOOD FROM THE MUMMY'S TOMB

As a semi-serious fan of old school Hammer, I thought I'd seen all of their Mummy movies. Never my favorite franchise, but always better than average, the Hammer Mummy films were chock-full of half-naked Egyptians and a fair amount of suspense.

So it came as a complete surprise to me when I saw this movie, and the titular "mummy" ended up being a beautiful devil-woman with a severed hand. Yeah, apparently I'd never seen this one, because that didn't seem familiar at all. And it's a good thing, too, because it would've probably scared me away from the earlier, better films. Case-in-point: within the first five minutes, there's a sandstorm that somehow has the magical ability to slash people's throats. Why not!

Anyway, my viewing experience included a lot of getting up and down and pausing for bathroom breaks. A lot. So I don't feel comfortable writing anything lengthy about this film. I will say, though, that this is not one of Hammer's top-tier efforts. But at least they had enough money for their crawling-artificial-hand budget.

THE BERMUDA DEPTHS

THE BERMUDA DEPTHS is a late-70s TV movie directed by one of the Rankin-Bass stopmotion guys. It is a live action horror fantasy about a mystery woman who just walks out of the ocean and all the mystical hoo-hah that entails. I do not know why this film got under my skin the way it did. The tone is a little slow and off, and the music is weird in a way that only 70s soundtracks could be. It feels like the ultimate hang-out-on-the-beach movie, with a strangely violent climax. I would not call it a good movie, but it mystified me in a way that more legitimately good movies never could. I was able to watch it all on Youtube before it was unceremoniously removed due to stupid things like copyright law. If you ever get the opportunity, check it out and get lost in the strange rhythms of this singular film.

PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE

The other night, I caught this early Brian de Palma movie on late-night television. I had forgotten how dark and twisted it was. And it is definitely a product of the 70s. It came out before Rocky Horror, and yet that show gets all the credit for being groundbreaking and subversive.

Quick quiz. Is this from Rocky Horror or Phantom...

However, Phantom of the Paradise has a badder, more twisted protagonist, a man with half a face who flies in the face of the system.

And like Rocky Horror, it has its own queer overtones...

Is it offensive? Maybe. Seriously, you tell me. Is it offensive? I honestly can’t tell.

The actors are, for the most part, better singers. Especially the glorious female lead, who coincidentally replaced Susan Sarandon in Shock Treatment, the Rocky Horror sequel that no one seems to appreciate.

And while this film does not have a moment quite like the Time Warp, all of the extravagant musical numbers are, top-to-bottom, more enjoyable and over-the-top.

Hard core musical fans out there have probably already seen and enjoyed this film. But if not, check it out. For real. And that’s the hell of it.

HOUSE

When I mention the movie House, people assume that I am talking about that great 80s horror-comedy with William Katt and a bunch of crazy ghosts. Or maybe House 2, its equally good sequel with the best subtitle ever (House 2: The Second Story). Or maybe House 4, which is like the original, except creepy and stupid. Fun fact: there is no House 3, at least not in America.

But I don’t want to talk about that film series. I would rather talk about the Japanese movie from the 1970s. House was meant to be the Japanese equivalent of Jaws: a horror movie blockbuster that captures the national attitude at the time. The fact that the filmmakers thought that they could capture their country’s zeitgeist with a film about human-eating pianos, floating heads, and witch cats really tells you a lot about Japan. God bless them and their pop culture craziness.

Let us take a moment to savor this film. First, look at this photo of a girl whose fingers were eaten by a piano...

The disturbing part of this picture is not the fact that she is missing all of her fingers, but the fact that she is smiling about it. This film makes no sense!

And behold this scene, in which a girl finds a floating head hidden inside a well. The head flies around for a few seconds, then bites her on the butt. She is screaming, of course, but again, it looks like she might be smiling a little too.

If these pictures intrigue you, please Netflix this movie ASAP. I honestly cannot tell if it is amazing or horrible. There is no possible way that I can judge this film. Just know that it is unlike anything you have ever seen. Unless, of course, you live in Japan.

Super 8

STATS:

Super 8

2011

Written and Directed by J. J. Abrams

Starring Elle Fanning and her 70s hair.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

[CLASSIFIED]

WHAT YOU SAY?

This film has a refreshing number of minor swear words for a family movie. It’s The Goonies all over again.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been hearing about this mysterious movie for months now, and while no one knew exactly what it was about, everyone kept using the word “Spielbergian.” Oh, it’s so Spielbergian. The kids are Spielbergian. People who didn’t even know what that word means overused it like Stephenie Meyer overuses adverbs. Immensely.

By the time it finally hit theaters last week, I was convinced that it was about a whip-carrying shark who makes friends with a friendly alien on a slave ship that crash lands onto dinosaur island while Robin Williams flies around with a robot version of the little kid from the Sixth Sense. That’s how Spielbergian I thought it was.

A dark-haired boy gazes up at a mysterious alien light.

We all know what Spielberg movie this is from. Munich.

And while Spielberg isn’t the most gay-inclusive director in Hollywood, he’s consistently entertaining. So I had to check it out. And then I had to write about it, because I kept thinking about all these great Spielberg jokes like Stephenie Meyer thinks about adverbs. Seriously.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This film does not shy away from death and blood, though no kids die. Just adults, because that’s how life is and God bless America.

This guy got hit by a train, but he

looks pretty okay. And he has gun.

I won’t spoil anything about the horrible alien creature that kills people and hangs their bodies upside-down in his lair. Did I say alien creature? I meant Earth-animal. And did I say kills? I meant nuzzles. And did I say bodies? I meant… Earth-bodies. Crap.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

What’s with all the camera flare? Hasn’t this J. J. Abrams fellow directed anything before?

So the big secret of this film is that the

kids can shoot blue lights from their eyes.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, it does have the kid from 7^th Heaven all grown up and made to look like a 70s-era stoner.

I assume he has a gay fan base. I don’t really know where that assumption comes from, but I’m just throwing that out there.

Aside from that, there is nothing gay about this film. It’s about a bunch of teen outcasts, blooming love, and alien encounters that are fun for the whole family. It’s a wonderfully made, wonderfully acted movie that I would highly recommend. It’s beautiful; it’s just not gay. For that reason, I’ll give this two Rob Lowes.

CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS

STATS:

Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things

1972

Directed by Bob Clark (Black Christmas, A Christmas Story)

Written by and starring Alan Ormsby

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Alan, the wizard-cloaked douche of the century, brings a bunch of friends (or perhaps employees) to an island at night. Once there, he resurrects the dead. The dead get all resurrect-y and kill Alan and his friend-ployees. It’s a morality play.

Alan the wizard-douche. He makes me taste bile.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"The magnitude of your ignorance overwhelms me." 

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I chose this film because I’m a sucker for bad zombie films. I basically have Shock Waves playing in a loop deep inside my brainstem. I figured this movie would satisfy my minimum requirements for a good film: corpses and victims.

Also, this movie has one of my all-time favorite titles.

Except for this one, of course.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No skins, and the shirts are all 70s and awful. Also, check out these pants:

I feel disheartened that an entire decade

embraced this style of polyester vomit.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The entire cast gets ripped apart by zombies, and yet we see nothing. No blood. No candy-colored grue. Just victims disappearing into the shambling mass of rampaging corpses. (Which isn’t a BAD thing, per se.)

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Alan, the director/star, is the most obnoxious main character I have ever seen in a movie. And I’m an early-period Blake McIver Ewing fan. (No I’m not.)

OK. IS IT GAY?

Well, there is clearly a gay man in this circle of friends. He does his own zombie make-up, makes jokes about going straight, and is the first to be horribly murdered. It’s not exactly a positive portrayal.

However, I cannot recommend this film to gay or straight horror fans. The audio is bad, the lighting is almost unwatchably dark, and the zombies don’t show up until after our main characters say annoying things to each other for an hour and a half. The presence of a gay secondary character doesn’t make this gay-friendly. The only reason you might want to watch this is for the early-70s kitsch. For that, I’ll rank this film a solid Gene Rayburn.