PIRANHACONDA

Dear Syfy Channel,

We're been through a lot over the years, included an ill-advised name change to make you seem quote-unquote "hip" and "edgy" and "retarded". That's fine. You're well aware that we're in a love-hate relationship.

But I would just like to say that I am very proud of you this summer. Not only did you start the season off right by killing Joey Fatone in Jersey Shore Shark Attack (Why did it take so long for someone to think of that movie!), but you decided to continue the streak by airing Roger Corman-approved masterpieces like Piranhaconda.

You are certainly on a roll, Syfy Channel. Some people might gripe about how self-consciously bad you've gotten, some people might even say that it's not fun to watch something that TRIES to be bad, but you know what... SOME people can suck it. Because you, Syfy Channel, are a good kid.

Thank you for Piranhaconda. Please don't like anyone get you down.

Thanks for the memories,
LGBTerror

THE DARKEST HOUR

For a movie about the world ending by massive alien-based slaughter, this movie is laughably bloodless. I guess that comes from the premise: alien balls of electricity take over the world by zapping humans into ashes. No carnage. No gore. Just PG-13 ash murder.

This is not a complaint, though. The movie is fast and enjoyable enough that I really got into the rhythm of run-hide-zap-scream-motivational-speech. The dialogue is pretty dire (one climactic speech outside a submarine is particularly painful), but that never really mattered to me. The best fwiends drama between the two male leads was also half-baked, but thankfully so, because who comes into a movie like this wanting to spend half the run-time watching two guys bicker about a failed business venture!

As I write this, I realize that this does not sound like a ringing endorsement... and it really isnt. This film is bad in a bland, forgettable way. But I will say that, if in the right mindset, you can wring a few moments of enjoyment out of it. But ignore the speeches. God damn those are awful.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

                   
The Cabin in the Woods is unclassifiable. Is it horror, sci fi, or comedy? Is it a clever mash-up of all three? Does it lovingly pay tribute to past horror films, or mock their genre tropes?

                      

In the end, I walked out of the theater not sure what to make of it, but the smile on my face told me that it really didn’t matter. I’m not exaggerating when I say that The Cabin in the Woods is the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen so far this year. Perhaps it’s my favorite horror-comedy since Scream 4. And everyone knows how much I love Scream 4.

                           

                     

Because I enjoyed the unusual twists and rhythms of this movie, I don’t want to give anything away in this review. I want everyone who walks into this movie to have as little knowledge as possible, because the ride is such an unusual and twisty one. But I will say the dialogue is Whedonesque and clever, the deaths are memorable, and the last half hour is filled to the brim with moments that would make any horror fan want to stand up and cheer. The world that this movie creates for itself is insanely clever and immersive; it basically explains how every horror film ever made could co-exist in the same, crazy, wonked-out universe.

                                  

Please, please, please see this movie while it is still in the theaters. Pay the ticket price. This is a singular experience. I may not know how to classify it, except to say that it’s good. Really, really good.

                            

PRINCESS OF MARS

Yowza.

Is it weird that I was rooting for the bad guys throughout this movie? I mean, they were represented by the hot, semi-nude, and bitchy Traci Lords, while we were supposed to feel sympathy for the tusked green natives who talk in fakey accents and gesture a lot. That doesn’t sound like much of a competition to me. Give me Traci Lords any day.

Yeah, I said it.

And give me this low-budget train wreck over the high-budget train wreck of John Carter any day. While that movie is chock-full of loudness and wall-to-wall CGI, this one is the kind of simple, dunderheaded mess that is much more fun to watch. Admittedly, I haven’t seen the big-screen version, because I don’t want to contribute to our blockbuster lets-watch-anything culture. But when I inevitably catch it riddled with commercials one late night on FX, I know what to expect: the same story as this film, just without any sense of real joy or adventure.

Does that make this movie good? God no. It’s a mess. But I think, deep down, it knows it’s a mess. After all, it stars Antonio Sabato Jr. alongside green guys with tusks.

Is This a Horror Movie: CHRONICLE

Watching the movie Chronicle (which I liked very much) made me ponder a few questions. (i.e. Will there be a sequel?) But one question that really stood out is one that I should have asked myself a long time ago: What exactly is a horror movie?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no genre is more contentious than horror movies. If a good horror film comes out (Silence of the Lambs, for example, or The Shining), a sizable chunk of the film's fans will shout from the top of their lungs that it's not a horror movie at all. It's actually a "psychological thriller" or even a, gulp, "action drama." Why? Why do people make such a distinction? The underlying premise is that those movies aren't horror movies because they're TOO GOOD to be horror movies. They couldn't possibly be on the same shelf as Jason X or Leprechaun: Back to da Hood.

People don't say that about other genres. Just because When Harry Met Sally is 1000 times better than the latest Katherine Heigl abomination doesn't mean that When Harry Met Sally is suddenly not a romantic comedy anymore. Why do people say that Silence of the Lambs is suddenly not a horror film because there aren't enough shocks or decapitations? Stop splitting hairs and subdividing genres and accept that the horror umbrella has enough room for Saw VI and Rosemary's Baby, just like the sci-fi umbrella has enough room for both Solaris and Zardoz.

Which brings us back to Chronicle. Clearly, there's some sci-fi element going on, but there's not much actual SCIENCE in this FICTION because everything goes unexplained. So yeah, sure, this movie is arguably science fiction. However, looking at the tone of the movie, and the amount of carnage and death involved (spoiler, I guess), does this count as a horror film too? We don't really see any corpses, and the director doesn't tease us with sudden jumps or scares. But the entire movie is soaking in an ever-increasing dread. We know the main character is sliding more and more into the dark side. We know there will be murders involved. We're watching this train wreck happen in ultra-slo-mo, and it is, for all intents and purposes, horrific. So yeah, despite the sci-fi trappings, I would absolutely group this in the horror camp. It's just as much a horror movie as Carrie, because it uses a similar story structure and accomplishes the same sense of dread. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

CHRONICLE

My new favorite poster. Take that, Precious.

Every few years, you catch a movie that is so perfectly on your wavelength, you half-wonder if it was written by your more talented evil twin. For me, Chronicle is that movie. A found-footage mash-up of teen angst, telekinetic power, unintentional homoeroticism, and high school issues: that is pretty much a comprehensive list of the themes that I would totally write a movie about.

The gay kid from In Treatment stars as a high school senior who gains superpowers and slowly lets them turn him into a power-mad supervillain. This is the superhero movie that Hancock or Kick Ass only wish they were. It's closer in tone and scope to the British show Misfits, except without the raunchiness and time travel.

The acting is extremely naturalistic, so much so that the "home movie" gimmick fades away and you feel like you're watching a trio of normal kids from your hometown. I keep using second person here because I really really want YOU to watch this movie. I won't go so far as to call it our generation's Carrie, but it definitely taps into the wounded teen in all of us, the scared kid that would lash out at the world if he only had the power.





DOCTOR WHO: The Television Movie

STATS:

DOCTOR WHO: The Television Movie

1996

Directed by Geoffrey Sax

Written by Matthew Jacobs

Starring Paul McGann, Eric Roberts(!), Daphne Ashbrook, and Sylvester McCoy

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The previous Doctor comes back for a quick, nearly wordless cameo before he gets gunned down and replaced by this guy...

...who is fancy and British in all sorts of ways. He has to battle his arch nemesis The Master, played by Eric Roberts in a role that basically spells out why he isn't as famous as his sister.  There's also some romantic tension going on, which is a new thing for the Doctor, though it isn't taken to the same degree as in later seasons.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Well, 'tis the holiday season, so what better time to pay tribute to a show that consistently busts out sappy Christmas specials every year. It must be a British thing. This episode in particular has nothing to do with the holidays aside from a little fireworks show at the end, but it does seem properly wintery throughout.

On a side note, I have become a recent fan of Doctor Who, particularly the latest incarnation, Matt Smith. I've seen a little bit from each of the Doctors, even the awful ones...

...but I never got the chance to check out this lone entry from the Eighth Doctor. It's sort of remembered as a footnote in the Whoniverse. Not late-80s-awful, but also not quite modern enough to relaunch the franchise for the nineties. I was genuinely curious about this one.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

While having some major flaws in tone and melodrama ("WHO. AM. I?!"), it does seem to pave the way toward the later series. It definitely has some of the campy appeal of the earlier, kid-oriented seasons, particularly when the Master is on screen dressed like Ming the Merciless.

But it does feel darker in a way that the other serials never did. (Except for that time the Sixth Doctor tried to strangle his companion for no reason. But let's ignore that.) The stakes seem genuine, even if the time-heavy climax made no sense to me. And like I noted before, the added romance was a nice touch, and an inevitable change for modern audiences.

I also liked the redesigned TARDIS, which is similar to the later seasons, but slightly cheesier. I assume it looked more realistic before they started filming, and then Eric Roberts got too close and brushed up against it.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not really. Campy, sure. But not enough to push it over the edge into a definite recommend. Now that I've seen it, I understand why it's a footnote. I also understand why it's not exactly reviled by Who fans. Check it out if you're interested in the character. It's a TV movie through and through.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #39 to watch Night of the Creeps: It has, like, four different beginnings that are completely unrelated to anything that happens in the actual movie. Is it about urban legends? Stumpy little alien beings? No and no.

TWILIGHT ZONE: Nick of Time

This is William Shatner in the midst of a match of wits with a devil-headed fortune-telling machine. If you have ever seen any non-famous episode of The Twilight Zone, then you should be aware that they often involve hammy actors staring at devil-headed fortune-telling machines. This is not a good half-hour of television. But at least it does not involve a gambler getting chased around by a demon slot machine. (True story.)

The reason I wanted to spotlight this episode is because William Shatner is surprisingly hot. That is, if you ignore how sweaty he gets by the end of the episode. He IS Canadian after all. They get warm easily.

THE TERMINATOR

The Terminator has a lot of nudity. It has plenty of violence. It has a strong female character who learns how to grow and kick ass as the story progresses. It has great practical special effects. It has some nudity. It has an epic story involving time travel and saving the world. It has at least four classic lines that have gone down in cinematic history. It has great music. And it has nudity. Why haven’t I talked about this movie before? 

UNICORN ISLE

You wanna see something really gay? How about the short-lived 80s comic series Unicorn Isle? I bought this issue for a dollar at my local Hastings bookstore. It’s full of hot male elves and fantasy gibberish. I didn’t quite follow the story, and the drawings were a tad too rococo and hard to follow. But whenever you stumble across something as awesomely gay as this, you have to celebrate it.

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

2010

Directed by Lauren Montgomery

Written by Tab Murphy

Starring Summer Glau, Tim Daly, Susan Eisenberg, Kevin Conroy, and Andre Braugher

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and a couple heroes I’ve never heard of team up to take down Darkseid and Granny Goodness (two more characters I’ve never heard of). There is a lot of fighting, and Apocalypse is some kind of planet, not a Biblical end of days. As such, there is a happy ending.

Granny Goodness. Now my third favorite grandmother character.

I think Ed Asner did her voice.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve been riding high on DC animated movies lately. They’re all free on Netflix, and they’re all crazy violent. Also, it cracks me up how such all-American pop culture icons like Superman and Batman can be so freaking homoerotic and muscle-worshippy in their character designs.

Superman with eye liner.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As I said before, there are loads of hot guys (and girls) in a superhero movie. And while they might not show a lot of skin, their skin-tight costumes leave very little to the imagination.

 Just a peek at the gun show.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

In addition, there isn’t exactly a shortage of violence in this film. And while a lot of it is cartoony and gee-whiz-comic-booky, there are genuine stakes involves. I’m talking blood and guts. Well, maybe not a lot of guts… But definitely blood.

Pictured: Superman holding a dead body.

I assume this does not happen a lot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

For those of you who enjoy a good Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode, be prepared for some obvious parallels here. The women are all beautiful, quippy, and kick-ass. I got some major Buffy flashbacks when I saw Supergirl battling a bunch of men three times her size. This is a crowd-pleasing movie for anyone who likes emotionally complicated women kicking ass and taking names.

Also, all of DC's greatest heroes (except Aquaman) are in it too. And while they might not all have a LOT to do for most of the movie…

…it never gets old seeing them hang out together. I highly recommend this.

BORN OF HOPE

Born of Hope
2009
Directed by Kate Madison
Written by J. R. R. Tolkien and fans

Born of Hope is a full movie that you can watch for free on Youtube. It is a fan-made prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The words fan and made sound particularly dirty in this context, but the movie is admirably legit. The effects are great. The action is well-staged and thumping. And the story itself is emotionally engaging.

I’m not the biggest fan of these types of movies. I understood about half of the dialogue, and all the names seemed like fancy fantasy gibberish (though Tolkien-approved). But the fact that this film was made by a dedicated group of super-fans is enough to wash over all the problems I would have with this film. There is a lot of magic on display, but none more powerful than the magic of making movies.

BATMAN: UNDER THE RED HOOD

STATS:

Batman: Under the Red Hood

2010

Directed by Brandon Vietti

Written by Judd Winick

Starring Bruce Greenwood, Jensen Ackles, and Neil Patrick Harris (!)

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Based on one of the most well-received Batman comics story arcs in a long time, this direct-to-DVD movie reunites Batman with his former (supposedly dead) Robin, who is now a morally ambiguous hero/villain named the Red Hood. Classic Batman baddies the Joker and Ra’s al Ghul are in it too, but this really is the Red Hood’s story. Batman has to grapple with moral dilemmas. He also fights robot ninja assassins. So, you know, it’s not too high-brow.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Now, that was rude. The first boy blunder had some manners. I suppose I'm going to have to teach you a lesson so you can better follow in his footsteps. Nah, I'm just gonna keep beating you with this crowbar."

That Joker is a scene-stealer. Not gonna lie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

After witnessing the awesomeness of DC heroes Jonah Hex and The Spectre, I couldn’t get enough morally ambiguous antiheroes (and animated beefcake), so I busted out some good old Batman.

I said GOOD old Batman.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

People watch Superman to ogle the muscles. People watch Batman to enter a dark and twisted world. The pecs and abs are just cherries on top.

Actually, I meant nipples. Nipples on top.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This movie starts off with a painfully long scene of the Joker beating Robin with a crowbar. That pretty much sets the tone of the rest of the movie. There aren’t any POW and BAM fight scene sound effects in this movie. Instead, there is a real sense of danger. Also, people die.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

The presence of hottie Jensen Ackles and real-life superhero Neil Patrick Harris is enough to draw in the gay crowds, but the real lure of this film is the wicked cool reimagining of the Batman/Robin dynamic. For years, their relationship has inspired a million offensive gay jokes, but this movie takes their father-son bond in a really interesting direction. Sure, this movie has a lot of action, but it’s also really thought-provoking. By the end, when we see one final flashback of our Robin in a simpler, happier time, I suddenly realized how emotionally invested I was in this film.

Yup. It went there.

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

STATS:

DC SHOWCASE: Jonah Hex

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos

Written by Joe R. Lansdale

Starring Thomas Jane, Michelle Trachtenberg, Linda Hamilton

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The final installment of the DC Showcase series, this short film involves our scarfaced hero murdering a killer hooker by leaving her to die in a mineshaft filled with the corpses of all her victims. And yes, this is an animated movie.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

Ive already talked about two of the other films in the DC Showcase, one of which was fairly beefcake-y, and one of which was gruesome as hell. This one, as you can tell from the synopsis, is pretty close to the second category.

The other reason I wanted to write about this was to show my readers that Jonah Hex isn’t nearly as lame a character as his live-action movie makes him seem.

Stupid and incomprehensible. Also, why

does Josh Brolin have freakishly short arms?

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Yes, but the nudity is strictly female. The story centers around prostitutes, so… duh. But Jonah is a tall glass of water, if you ignore his hideous facial scars.

Actually, nevermind.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The very end of this film includes dozens of dead corpses rotting away. There is also violence and murder up the wazoo. Man, I love this character.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Yet again, DC outdoes itself with the gore. Before I rented this video, I had no idea cartoon DVDs inspired by comic books could be so… awesome. I am now a fan.

DC SHOWCASE: The Spectre

STATS:

DC: SHOWCASE: The Spectre

2010

Directed by Joaquim Dos Santos (Jack Two Santas)

Written by Steve Niles

Starring Gary Cole, Alyssa Milano

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The Spectre is a private detective, ghost, and ladies man all rolled into one. Basically, if CBS executives combined all of their scripted shows, they would come up with The Spectre. In this film, he solves the mystery of a murdered movie producer by using horrifying magic hallucinations to kill the bad guys. He also narrates a lot.

He is voiced by this guy, BTW.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This short film is a continuation of Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam, which I recently posted about. It originally came as a bonus movie on the video Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths. Afterwards, they packaged it with three other DC shorts (including Superman/Shazam), which is where I got to see it.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Unlike the previous Superman short, which was 98% hot guys wrestling each other, this one doesn’t have a lot of beefcake. The Spectre isn’t a particularly rippling hero, and he mostly stays covered in a long green cloak.

He does make out with a weirdly blonde Alyssa Milano.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

The horror aspect, however, is front and center. The death scenes in this one are terrifying. One involves a killer car…

Like this, except not horrible.

…And another involves a bunch of movie props coming alive and being creepy as hell.

Like this, except... well, just as ridiculous as this.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Man, is this film creepy. But don’t just take my word for it. Check this out. If I had known that DC animated films could be this apeshit terrifying, I would have started watching them years ago.

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

STATS:

Superman/Shazam!: The Return of Black Adam

2010

Directed by Jaoquim Dos Santos

Written by Michael Jelenic

Starring Jerry O’Connell

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Superman teams up with Captain Marvel (a kid who gets random magic powers every time he shouts "Shazam!") to fight Black Adam, a white guy named Adam. The entire movie is one long fight scene, with some exposition about how Captain Marvel gets his powers.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Shazam," obviously.

Um... a slightly different film.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This movie is the centerpiece of a 4-part anthology film meant to introduce people to lesser-known DC heroes. I found it free on Netflix and decided to check it out. Certain sections were gleefully horrific, so I thought I could do a few write-ups for this website. I had to start with this one, which was the least horrific and bloody, because it was the first (and longest) installment in the set.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

As expected, this film is chock-full of superpowered, animated beefcake. In this installment, we get Superman, Captain Marvel, AND Black Adam, three rippling heroes. Theyre fully clothed, but tights barely count as clothing, right? The animators leave absolutely no bulges to the imagination. I strongly believe that some people are just born gay, but superheroes like these make a good argument that some pop culture can "turn" kids. If so, bring on the super men!

Like I said: bulges.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

For one giant fight scene, this film has precious little blood. Also, the city is weirdly underpopulated, so there aren’t a lot of deaths amidst the wreckage. This could be due to budgetary reasons (lots of extras are hard to draw) and moral reasons (protect the children!), but comparing this film to the others in this grisly series makes me think it has more to do with the former than the latter.

PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:

Does Captain Marvel have a big fan base? I’ve never heard of him, and his backstory is needlessly complicated. That said, there is something pretty kick-ass about a preteen who can turn into a big hulking hero just by saying a magic word.

Also, I’m surprised that a DC character is named Marvel. I’m not a huge comics fan, but I assume there was probably some drama involved back in the day.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

This movie is a fun little time waster. If you're of the "Prince Eric School of Hot Cartoons", there is a lot to like in this one. There’s not much of a story beyond a vague don’t-bully-people message, but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one.

But seriously, Black Adam needs a new name.

Like, Vaguely Ethnic Adam. Or The Rock.

S1M0NE

STATS:

S1m0ne

2002

Written, Produced and Directed by Andrew Niccol

Starring Al Pacino, Catherine Keener, a Evan Rachel Wood, a hologram

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ever wondered what Frankenstein would look like as a navel-gazing Hollywood satire? Well, neither did the rest of the world. S1m0ne is a comedy about a down-on-his-luck director who invents an actress out of a computer simulation. The world falls in love with the actress, and it ruins his life.

There’s a lot of shouting, too. Obviously.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"God created little furry animals to be worn."

"Have you ever actually HAD dolphin? Pan-fried, with a little garlic and fennel."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film is a fascinating failure, a big budget comedy starring A-list talent that arrived DOA at the box office. It has the stink of being a pompous Hollywood satire that is of no interest to anyone outside of LA County. Naturally, I wanted to see it.

Admittedly, it’s not exactly a horror film, or a gay film, but it has its roots in sci-fi, and gay audiences usually respond positively to clever satires that gently poke fun at the establishment (Heathers, Pretty Persuasion, Death to Smoochy). And it certainly helps that the star of Heathers (Winona Ryder) and the star of Pretty Persuasion (Evan Rachel Wood) and the star of Death to Smoochy (Catherine Keener) round out this universally stellar cast.

Aside from the title character,

who really is played by a robot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Like most satires, S1m0ne thinks it’s smarter than it really is, but I still recommend it. Consistently funny and only slightly pompous, this film takes a really dumb premise and uses it the best way it can: to show us how very, very stupid we are regarding celebrity worship.

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