Dear Syfy Channel,
We're been through a lot over the years, included an ill-advised name change to make you seem quote-unquote "hip" and "edgy" and "retarded". That's fine. You're well aware that we're in a love-hate relationship.
But I would just like to say that I am very proud of you this summer. Not only did you start the season off right by killing Joey Fatone in Jersey Shore Shark Attack (Why did it take so long for someone to think of that movie!), but you decided to continue the streak by airing Roger Corman-approved masterpieces like Piranhaconda.
You are certainly on a roll, Syfy Channel. Some people might gripe about how self-consciously bad you've gotten, some people might even say that it's not fun to watch something that TRIES to be bad, but you know what... SOME people can suck it. Because you, Syfy Channel, are a good kid.
Thank you for Piranhaconda. Please don't like anyone get you down.
Thanks for the memories,
LGBTerror
Sunday, June 17, 2012
PIRANHACONDA
Labels:
2010s,
fish,
giant monster,
roger corman,
scifi,
snake,
syfy
Friday, June 8, 2012
COUNTDOWN: Hammer Dracula Films
Hammer Studios was pretty effing great. They brought red-blooded lusty, heaving raunch to classic horror stories. Rarely were there any gay characters, but the subtext of a lot of their movies has some bits of pink thrown in. Not only that, they were gory and lascivious... and somehow classy at the same time. I honestly can't describe what these movies meant to me when I was a kid watching them with my dad and older brother.
My fondest memories were probably with the Dracula films, which I saw more than Frankenstein or Mummy. I haven't seen them all (that kung fu one from 1974 holds no interest for me, because it would just make me sad). But I've seen most of them. Here are my top five:
5) The Brides of Dracula
(No Christopher Lee, but the titular brides were a step in the right direction after a significantly less sexy original. Great climax. Windmills are terrifying, and I say this as an avid mini-golfer.)
4) Dracula AD 1972
(It's ironic that the "modern" one is by far the most dated. But in a good way. Sometimes I watch this movie just to stare at the furniture and wall paper.)
3) Dracula Has Risen from the Grave
(Great use of forests. It simultaneously makes me want to visit England and stay as far away as possible.)
2) Taste the Blood of Dracula
(Not the most talkative of Christopher Lee performances, but the film is never dull, and man can Mr. Lee lurk!)
1) Dracula: Prince of Darkness
(Christopher Lee's big return, and the perfect Hammer combination of damsels, splashes of blood, creepy castles, and overacting villagers. If you haven't seen any of these films, start with this one.)
Thursday, May 31, 2012
HOUR OF THE WOLF
Okay, folks. First I'd like to get the big Nordic elephant
out of the way: Oscar-nominated Norwegian actress Liv Ullmann is basically Chris
Colfer's face-twin. It was a little distracting.
Alright. On with the review…
I had never seen an Ingmar Bergman movie before Hour of the Wolf. Everything I knew
about Ingmar Bergman I learned from
Simpsons references and Bill and Ted's
Bogus Journey. I knew that he was a Scandinavian director who did a bunch
of artsy black-and-white movies and that Woody Allen loved him. I also knew,
almost without a shadow of a doubt, that his movies were not my style. I
pictured long, murky parables about war and death. I pictured beautiful
cinematography and absolute boredom. I didn’t picture horror movies. And yet,
here I am, writing about an Ingmar Bergman movie in my horror blog.
ONE : The husband is a
crazy artist who has retreated to this isolated island to be alone. He lashes
out at everyone he meets (including the little boy on the beach) because of
some intense distrust of the outside world. He has his pregnant wife to cling
to, but when he finally lashes out at her (he shoots her), that’s the final
straw and he cracks, disappearing forever into himself.
I could go on discussing about a dozen theories that try to
tie together all the loose ends and abrupt moments of violence (and
cross-dressing). In fact, that’s probably what Bergman wanted. But I’m of the
mindset that reviews aren’t about interpretations, they’re about
recommendations. Did I enjoy this movie? Was I intrigued instead of confused?
Would I recommend this? I think I’d say yes to all three questions.
Hour of the Wolf,
from what I could tell, is about a pregnant woman and her older husband who
live on an island. The husband is slowly getting crazier and crazier because of
his interactions with the island's other residents, a castle full of wack-jobs,
including a woman that he fooled around with before knocking up his current
wife. This guy is pushed to the edge by the surrounding characters, and his
wife is becoming increasingly afraid that she’s starting to share her husband’s
psychosis. I’m not going to continue explaining the plot, because it isn’t exactly
linear, so let’s instead talk about how I might interpret some of the events of
this story.
TWO: None of the characters are real except for the husband
and wife. The husband has elaborate delusions about the strange people he
meets. Slowly, his wife begins to see them too. When one of these delusions
gives him the gun he uses to shoot his wife, then his psychosis has finally
crossed into a level where he can no longer be cured. At the end of the movie,
his wife talks about a scar that the bullets left on her, thus implying that not
only is she now damaged by her husband’s psychosis, but now she’s fully
succumbed to it, too.
This is a difficult movie, one with characters that don’t really
behave like real people and situations that don’t quite gel. Intellectually, I’m
frustrated. Emotionally, I’m highly pleased. This movie kept me surprised, tense,
and weirdly curious. The dinner scene at the castle… the violent outburst with
the little kid… the laughing ex-girlfriend corpse lady… these were moments that
will probably stick with me for a while. As a whole, I prefer my movies to be a
little more straight-forward than this, but that doesn’t stop me from
appreciating how unsettling everything comes across.
Is this a horror movie? Sure. I have
a fairly inclusive definition of horror. Everything from Jaws to Rosemary’s
Baby to Silence of the Lambs fits under the umbrella. This is psychological. It’s
a lot like 2010’s Antichrist without all that squicky gore. Is it wall-to-wall
scary? Nope. But I think this one
will linger with me.
I just don’t think it completely works as a narrative film. It’s
like watching a hallucination, which is a pretty powerful experience. Sure. But
once you realize it’s just a hallucination, it’s hard to really care about what
happens.
FOR MORE HOUR OF THE WOLF FUN, CHECK OUT THESE OTHER, MUCH BETTER REVIEWS:
Moon Is a Dead World
Lerner International
United Provinces of Ivanlandia
The Lightning Bug’s Lair
FOR MORE HOUR OF THE WOLF FUN, CHECK OUT THESE OTHER, MUCH BETTER REVIEWS:
Moon Is a Dead World
Lerner International
United Provinces of Ivanlandia
The Lightning Bug’s Lair
Labels:
1960s,
black and white,
foreign,
hour of the wolf,
moon is a dead world,
norway,
viewer vomit
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
DEADLY BLESSING
STATS:
Deadly BlessingDirected by Wes Craven
WHA’ HAPPENED?
You thought Amish people were bad. (Wait. Did you?) Just wait till you meet the Hittites, these crazy farmers that get caught up in a slow-moving horror mystery involving tractors, snakes, and someone dropping a live tarantula into Sharon Stone's mouth.
FAVORITE QUOTE:
A poor manchild has been killed.
ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
Why did I watch this movie? Well, it was directly by Wes
Craven. And I’m a completist. I was sure it couldn’t be worse than My Soul to
Take. But the fact that this is mostly known as the movie where Sharon Stone
got a live tarantula in her mouth tells me that it wasn’t exactly one of Craven's
top tier movies.
SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Some PG female nudity. Including a bathtub scene with an
overly curious snake. Similar to
BLOOD AND GUTS:
Nothing particularly memorably. Most deaths occur in shadowy
barns and whatnot, so there isn’t a lot to see. Apparently, Amish country isn’t
very well-lit. Who knew! But that guy from The Hills Have Eyes gets probably
the longest death scene. So there’s that.
PLOT HOLES AND CRAZINESS:
The reveal of the killer is sudden and kind of dumb, but
holy crap does the film have an awesome ending. Think Drag Me to Hell, but
completely unearned. Like, if Freddy Krueger showed up at the end of Scream. It
makes no damn sense, but it is probably the only thing I will remember about
this movie in a month. That and the scene where Sharon Stone gets a tarantula
in her mouth. Now that’s the stuff that dreams are made of.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Ernest Borgnine was born to play a crazy Hittite farmer.
Forget his Oscar-winning role in Marty. THIS is his legacy. Aside from him,
though, everyone else is pretty much sleeping through this film, especially
Martha, the main girl, who goes from constipated to dizzy without ever registering
terror. All-in-all, a forgetting slog of a film, even for its short run-time,
but be sure to stay for that cuckoo-bananas ending. You will not regret it.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE
Amityville Dollhouse
1996
Tagline: The biggest name in horror comes home. (What?)
Starring Kalabar from Disney’s Halloweentown. That’s about
it. And it took me literally the entire movie to figure out where I knew him
from.
WHA’ HAPPENED?
Basically the same nonsense from all the Amityville sequels:
supporting characters die but the family is more-or-less safe. Everyone
thinks the dad is going crazy. The house blows up at the end.The difference here is that the magic dollhouse of the title is to blame, and it can summon demons, giant rats, and previously dead relatives. Also, the family’s younger son is a creepy little whiner whose only friend is a pet rat. Remember when I said that no one in the core family gets murdered? Well, sometimes that’s not a good thing.
ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
The mid-90s was a wonderland of random direct-to-video
sequels to semi-popular horror films. Some were fun (Leprechaun 2, 3, and 4),
some were painful (Children of the Corn 5), and some involved an evil dollhouse
that summoned dead people.
SHIRTS AND SKINS:
The older son has a shirtless make-out session with his
girlfriend. It’s fairly steamy, until the girlfriend basically gets eaten by
the fireplace. It’s kind of a mood-killer.
BLOOD AND GUTS:
The zombie dad was pretty great, in a Pet Semetary 2 kind of way, and the burn victim girlfriend was
effective. (Seriously, do NOT date someone who lives in a haunted house.) But
the coolest scene is when the teen son gets an earful of mosquito. It was like
that scene in Wrath of Khan, but with
a more realistic fake ear. Gloopy goodness.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
After watching Amityville
1992: It’s About Time (which is a slightly lamer title than Dollhouse), I’ve decided that this
sequel is just as bad, if slightly less inconsequential. As always, there are
plenty of dry patches, and the climax is a little rushed (Look! A demon! Okay, let’s
leave.) But it’s charming in a bone-headed way, and the scene with the giant
rat was adorable.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
PIECES
No words can describe how awesome and derivative this movie is. Oh wait. Words totally can do that! And here they are:
PIECES… It’s exactly what you think it is!
The year is 1941! A young boy is assembling a jigsaw puzzle
of a nude woman, when his mother enters in a rage and tells him to throw the
puzzle out. Instead he returns with an ax and hacks his mother to death,
tricking the police into believing a maniac had killed her.
Forty years later at a Boston
college, the terror really begins. A chainsaw-weilding madman is roaming the
campus collecting pieces of beautiful co-eds for a ghastly human puzzle he is
assembling—and the police haven’t a clue to the crazed killer's identity.
CHRISTOPHER GEORGE (MORTUARY) stars in this horrifying
adventure into madness, hysteria and bone-chilling brutality.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Rainbow Brite
Despite the fact that this show is obviously not for me, for
some reason Netflix kept recommending the Rainbow Brite TV movie about
star-stealers or something. Anyway, I buckled and decided to check it out.
Then, for the next hour and a half, I half-watched this movie. The entire thing. I wasn’t doing anything else. I was just watching it. And I must have been inside some kind of rainbow-triggered trance, because I don’t remember a single thing that happened. Five minutes after the movie ended, I didn’t remember anything. Sure, I had little snippets here and there, like the bitchy evil princess talking to herself and the Boobah-looking creatures. But other than that, nothing.
Seriously, some things are just not meant for me. This is one of them.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Truth Or Dare?
Happy Tuesday! Here's another awful VHS summary. This comes from the 1986 slasher Truth Or Dare?, one of the most notorious video nasties I have had the pleasure of sitting through. Here is what the video box says:
It’s Time To Play TRUTH OR DARE? A Critical Madness
(The question mark makes everything seem less scary,
somehow.)
Meet Mike Strauber. He plays a deadly game. He plays Truth or Dare with everyone…even himself.
Truth Or Dare, a child’s game turned into a psychotic,
twisted game of self-destruction. This non-stop psycho-thriller packed with
action will assault you personally. Mike Strauber, played brilliantly by John
Brace, formerly of the Burt Reynolds Playhouse, brings you to the edge of your
seat with passionate understanding coupled with unbridled hatred. If anyone
ever asks you to play Truth Or Dare… tell them you’ve seen the movie.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
ALL GROWN UP!
I always get a strange feeling whenever I see a familiar TV character looking slightly off-brand. For example, I recently re-watched the first episode of the Simpsons during the Fox 25th Anniversary Special. There was a scene, only about half-a-minute long, that showed Homer talking to Barney. Only Barney was sober and had yellow hair. It just felt wrong to me. He looked almost exactly the way he does now, but that hair color thing really threw me off. It was a strange sensation, and not a very pleasant one.
The same can be said for the semi-popular Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up!, which takes all the familiar characters and ages them into preteens. Tommy now has a full head of hair, but otherwise has the same lumpy head-shape. Chucky looks creepily similar, just a little bigger and sans-diaper. And Spike, the dog, has gray fur and looks like he has worms.
I really cannot explain how creepy this whole show comes across to me. I mean, I had stopped watching Rugrats back in the mid-90s, when they had originally gone off the air before their first movie. I had very little emotional connection to the characters anymore, and yet... here they are, the same yet different, and everything seems so wrong.
All Grown Up! lasted for several years, so maybe I am the only one who felt this way. But it is a quite intense feeling, and every time I see another still from this show, I get a really strange queasy feeling. I do not want my cartoons to grow up. Please stop them.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER
STATS:
CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER1974
Written and Directed by Brian Clemens
Starring Horst Janson (seriously)
WHA’ HAPPENED?
A rich family goes around sucking the life out of pretty,
young girls in order to stay youthful forever. Our titular captain (What is he
the captain of? No idea.) comes to the rescue, defeating these age-sucking
jerkwads with his fencing skills, luck with the ladies, and obscure vampire
knowledge. (Fun fact: vampires can bring dead toads back to life just by
walking by.)
ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
I’ve always been a Hammer fan, and I knew this entry in
their mid-70s output is particularly strange. Not oppressively strange in a
kung-fu-vampires kind of way, but strange enough to catch my interest on a lazy
Saturday morning.
SHIRTS AND SKINS:
Kronos is shirtless a good 40% of the movie. He has one
dimly lit sex scene, and a bunch of innocent bromantic scenes with another male
character that turn slightly more homoerotic because hes shirtless. (In one
memorable exchange, his buddy touches the captain's torso scar and says that he
knows he has guts, because he’s already seen his insides.) The actor playing
Kronos isn’t exactly someone to write home about, but hey.
BLOOD AND GUTS:
Mostly slight trickles of mouth blood and glumpy old-age
make-up. Hammer has done a lot better in the past.
RANDOM THOUGHTS:
I enjoyed the wonky mythos that this film built around its
vampire characters. Specifically, each vampire can only be killed in specific
ways. Some have to be staked, some have to be burnt, and some have to get a
crucifix to sink into their embarrassingly vulnerable chest. It must suck to be
the vampire that dies via garlic pizza.
OK. IS IT GAY?
Yeah. The film builds a strange rhythm where it has a
bromance scene with Kronos and the doctor who summoned him (the scar-caressing
one), followed very quickly by Kronos making sexy-time with his female
companion. Either hes bi, or he needs to sort through some issues fast. That,
coupled with a particularly androgynous son-of-a-vampire, makes for some
pleasant 70s escapism with a slight queer bent. Fun times all around.Monday, April 16, 2012
THE DARKEST HOUR
For a movie about the world ending by massive alien-based slaughter, this movie is laughably bloodless. I guess that comes from the premise: alien balls of electricity take over the world by zapping humans into ashes. No carnage. No gore. Just PG-13 ash murder.
This is not a complaint, though. The movie is fast and enjoyable enough that I really got into the rhythm of run-hide-zap-scream-motivational-speech. The dialogue is pretty dire (one climactic speech outside a submarine is particularly painful), but that never really mattered to me. The best fwiends drama between the two male leads was also half-baked, but thankfully so, because who comes into a movie like this wanting to spend half the run-time watching two guys bicker about a failed business venture!
As I write this, I realize that this does not sound like a ringing endorsement... and it really isnt. This film is bad in a bland, forgettable way. But I will say that, if in the right mindset, you can wring a few moments of enjoyment out of it. But ignore the speeches. God damn those are awful.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
THE CABIN IN THE WOODS
The Cabin in the Woods is unclassifiable. Is it horror, sci fi, or comedy? Is it a clever mash-up of all three? Does it lovingly pay tribute to past horror films, or mock their genre tropes?
In the end, I walked out of the theater not sure what to
make of it, but the smile on my face told me that it really didn’t matter. I’m
not exaggerating when I say that The Cabin in the Woods is the most enjoyable
movie I’ve seen so far this year. Perhaps it’s my favorite horror-comedy since
Scream 4. And everyone knows how much I love Scream 4.
Because I enjoyed the unusual twists and rhythms of this
movie, I don’t want to give anything away in this review. I want everyone who
walks into this movie to have as little knowledge as possible, because the ride
is such an unusual and twisty one. But I will say the dialogue is Whedonesque
and clever, the deaths are memorable, and the last half hour is filled to the
brim with moments that would make any horror fan want to stand up and cheer. The
world that this movie creates for itself is insanely clever and immersive; it
basically explains how every horror film ever made could co-exist in the same,
crazy, wonked-out universe.
Please, please, please see this movie while it is still in
the theaters. Pay the ticket price. This is a singular experience. I may not
know how to classify it, except to say that it’s good. Really, really good.
Labels:
2010s,
cabin in the woods,
comedy,
giant monster,
horror,
mermaid,
movies,
scifi,
slasher,
zombies
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
HAPPY ARBOR DAY EVERYONE!
Trees! Trees! Carly’s Arboy Day Foundation,
spread the word across the nation about TREES!
Trees are terrific! Ah ha!
Monday, April 2, 2012
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
So we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Nick Swardson did not make a movie starring any of his gay stereotype characters. The bad news is Nick Swardson made a movie.
Oh I see. Bucky is a freakish man-child, and everyone else in the movie are actual, normal characters who have to help him grow up.
...No. I guess not. I guess everyone in this movie is an off-putting weirdo. Good thing they decided not to cast any big-name stars who might otherwise derail their careers...
Oh look. I see Don Johnson. Well, he got a paycheck out of it.
And of course, this would not be an Adam Sandler movie without an addled old lady who gets abused by people. I will be you three dollars that she gets run over by a car.
Well, this is clearly turning out to be a train wreck, but at least there were no A-list celebrities slumming it in the film. We can rest assured that none of our favorite actors had to endure the awfulness of this film.
Wednesday!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!
Friday, March 30, 2012
THE HORROR SHOW (HOUSE 3)
I didn’t want to write a full review of House 3 the same way I wrote one for House 1, 2, and 4. Why? Because this isn’t really a House movie. It’s a title-grabbing cash-in, and I’ve always felt a little angry at this movie, because it throws off the numbering system of the entire House franchise. (Much like the Italian Zombi movies, which either skipped number one or number two, depending on how you look at them.)
No, I don’t recommend this. But I’m glad I saw it. Not bad, Mr. Cash Grab. Not bad.
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