S1M0NE

STATS:

S1m0ne

2002

Written, Produced and Directed by Andrew Niccol

Starring Al Pacino, Catherine Keener, a Evan Rachel Wood, a hologram

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Ever wondered what Frankenstein would look like as a navel-gazing Hollywood satire? Well, neither did the rest of the world. S1m0ne is a comedy about a down-on-his-luck director who invents an actress out of a computer simulation. The world falls in love with the actress, and it ruins his life.

There’s a lot of shouting, too. Obviously.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"God created little furry animals to be worn."

"Have you ever actually HAD dolphin? Pan-fried, with a little garlic and fennel."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This film is a fascinating failure, a big budget comedy starring A-list talent that arrived DOA at the box office. It has the stink of being a pompous Hollywood satire that is of no interest to anyone outside of LA County. Naturally, I wanted to see it.

Admittedly, it’s not exactly a horror film, or a gay film, but it has its roots in sci-fi, and gay audiences usually respond positively to clever satires that gently poke fun at the establishment (Heathers, Pretty Persuasion, Death to Smoochy). And it certainly helps that the star of Heathers (Winona Ryder) and the star of Pretty Persuasion (Evan Rachel Wood) and the star of Death to Smoochy (Catherine Keener) round out this universally stellar cast.

Aside from the title character,

who really is played by a robot.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

Like most satires, S1m0ne thinks it’s smarter than it really is, but I still recommend it. Consistently funny and only slightly pompous, this film takes a really dumb premise and uses it the best way it can: to show us how very, very stupid we are regarding celebrity worship.

No comment.

IMMORTALS

If you’ve seen the trailers for the new action picture Immortals, you probably realized that it is just like 300, except… well, it has a different title and cast. As the trailer proudly proclaims, both movies come from the same producers.

But that’s not all they have in common. Here are the top seven reasons these movies are completely the same:

7. Oh, look. They have oracles too!

In 300, a bunch of oracles writhed around as their

white robes floated in computer-animated arcs.

In this film, the clothes are red.

6. The lead characters make a crapload of speeches.

For Sparta! Or, um, what country is this?

5. Huge masses of soldiers fight each other in slow motion.

The Sistine Chapel, only awesome.

4. The characters live in a CG world.

Everything the light touches will be yours, my son.

Except for that area right there. It isn’t pixilated yet.

3. The hero has to leave his lady behind so that he can fight stuff.

After a couple sex scenes, of course.

2. Hordes of men fight with their shields.

It’s just like Captain America, only retarded.

1. Gold-plated rulers kick people in slow motion.

At this point, it seems like the producers are messing with us. All the other similarities can be explained away as coincidental. But to include a direct copy of the single most famous moment in 300 is kind of like making an animated movie about a goat named Rambi and then killing off Rambi’s mother. This is verging on Snakes on a Train territory.

That said, if that kicking guy doesn’t impale someone with his hat, I will be eternally disappointed.

PUSS IN BOOTS

I am not a huge Shrek fan, so I never thought I would be so excited about its spin-off movie Puss in Boots, an animated actioner starring the voice talents of Antonio Banderas. The first couple trailers have been underwhelming at best, but this new one (from Italy, I believe) really gets me excited about checking this out at the theater.

NIGHT OF THE CREEPS

Reason #42 to watch Night of the Creeps: It doesn't make handicapped people seem saintly and perfect. And the nerd characters are uniformly douchey.

SLITHER

Is Slither a horror film? No. And I think that's why it wasn't as popular as it should've been. This is firmly in the comedy zone, even moreso than its spiritual ancestor Night of the Creeps. It doesn't attempt to be scary or atmospheric. But it rises above the Scary Movie 4 School of Suckage by taking its characters seriously and raising the stakes in a natural, believable way. You care about these people, even the reprehensible ones, and you want to know what happens to them. And by "you," I mean "me," because I have no idea if you have the same sensibilities as I do.

Which explains the other reason why this film was a big ol' flop: the target audience must be really really low. Sure, horror fans are a vocal bunch, and when we want to, we go to the movies in droves. But horror-comedy fans come from a slightly narrower bracket, because this implies that you're a horror fan, but that you don't absolutely HAVE to have shocks or suspense to have a good time. It's like finding a rollercoaster fan who likes riding them for the heights. I am a huge supporter of horror-comedies, but I understand why so many people aren't. It's a specific style, and you gotta be on the right wavelength. And by "you," I mean "you" this time. Go see Slither.

No reason to use this picture. I just enjoy the undertones.

DEMENTIA 13

DEMENTIA 13

1963

Directed by Francis Ford Coppola
Written by Francis Ford Coppola

Starring William Campbell, Luana Anders, Bart Patton and Sophia Coppola as the whiny daughter who gets horribly murdered

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Well, this is Psycho in a castle, basically. A woman commits a crime (kills her husband), goes to some far off place (an Irish castle), and promptly gets murdered (in a pond). Just when you thought she was the main character, she gets killed. Oh Francis, you saucy saucy director. The rest of the movie is spent following people as they try to figure out who the killer is. Hint: he’s a hotel-owning taxidermist.

I couldn’t find a relevant picture, so I thought
I'd include John Candy because why not.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"If you’re going to be my wife, you’re going to have to be the trusting, silent variety."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

There are two reasons I decided to write about Dementia 13. One is thanks to The Moon Is a Dead World, one of my favorite blogs. They’re doing a series of horror reviews in preparation for Halloween, and I wanted to match a few of their reviews. That blog is always a fun read.

The other reason I wanted to watch Dementia 13 is Francis Ford Coppola. That guy is the reason this film hasn’t fallen off the face of the Earth. This is his big break in cinema, courtesy of Roger Corman, and even though it’s a cheapy American International picture, it has a great reputation because of its director's subsequent films. That said, Mr. Coppola isn’t known as being one of the most consistent directors, which also intrigued me. I didn’t know if this film was like Apocalypse Now… or like the behind-the-scenes of Apocalypse Now. Remember, Coppola directed at least three of the greatest films of all time. He also directed the budding onscreen romance of JLo and Robin Williams.

 

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

No nudity, though the female lead shows off some of her curves, especially when she’s swimming in the haunted pond.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Heck yes. I mean, the film is tame by today’s standards, but it has some extremely stylish murder scenes. I’m a sucker for people discovering dead bodies underwater; I’ve always liked seeing people struggle for air after the shock of seeing a floating body part. It’s Jaws-syndrome. And then the murder directly after: genius! For all the story’s faults, it is still shocking in the best sense of the word.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

While I think the basic plot outline has a lot of potential (and so did Hitchcock, which is why he used the EXACT SAME PLOT), but the execution is so hard to follow, it’s almost nonsensical. Visually, the film is great. It’s stylish, and the underwater scenes are truly scary. When compared to similar cheapo horror films from the early 60s, this one really is beautiful.

But you’d also think that Coppola would be able to string together an easier-to-understand film. The plot is not complicated, and yet I had to watch the movie twice to understand who was who. From a storytelling standpoint, this is less Godfather Part II and more Cotton Club. And that is a shame.

This has nothing to do with anything; I just thought it was quaint.

SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

STATS:

SATURDAY THE 14TH STRIKES BACK

1988

Directed by Howard R. Cohen

Written by Howard R. Cohen

Starring Ray Walston, other people

WHA’ HAPPENED?

The same thing as Saturday the 14th, just with different people and less humor. Also, instead of a magic monster book, this movie has a magic smoking crack. That is right. A magic smoking crack that gives birth to strange things.

Like an eye window.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I grew up with the first film. I acknowledge its many flaws, but I love it so so much. I knew that this sequel exists, but it’s notoriously hard to track down. So I went to Amazon.com, which is a great place to find VHS copies of anything, and ordered myself a copy of this film. Now that I’ve seen it, I fully understand why it’s so hard to track down.

What!

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film is chock-full of nudity. Actually, no nudity. Like in the first film, the teenage daughter takes a wacky bath with a wacky monster. But other than that, nothing to report. Just a lot of wholesome fully-clothed talking scenes of talking with clothes on.

Also, sexual tension.

FAMOUS PEOPLE:

This film has some familiar faces. There’s nothing more fun than watching someone you like as they slum their way through something beneath them. People like him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Losing some of his Hills Have Eyes cred.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. Taking a break from reviewing films.

And him:

Hey. It’s that guy. I recognize him from 60 Minutes.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

Why do I recognize this house? Is it the house from House IV? Or Real Genius? Anyone? Thoughts?

FINAL VERDICT:

This film is awful. Seriously. People don’t act like real human beings. They do wacky things for no reason at all. It’s the fakest, dumbest thing, and a true step down from the dumb-but-fun original.

Stupid people being stupid. With fog.

SATURDAY THE 14TH

STATS:

Saturday the 14th

1981

Directed by Howard R. Cohen

Written by Jeff Begun

Starring Richard Benjamin, Paula Prentiss, and Jeffrey Tambor

The two reasons this movie is awesome.

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A family inherits a haunted house. A vampire couple wants to take the house from them, because it contains a magic book of monsters that will cause the end of the world. The human couple tries to enlist the help of Van Helsing, who ends up being a bad guy or something. The wife also turns into a vampire. A bunch of wacky stuff happens, and the world doesn’t end. Not the best news, because that means we get to watch the horrible sequel.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I wasn’t allowed to watch real horror movies as a child, so I obsessed over the few horror-adjacent movies that I was allowed to watch. Among those: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Addams Family Values, and this film, which my parents deemed family-friendly enough for a six-year-old to watch.

They didn’t realize how terrifying Jeffrey Tambor can be.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

The teenager daughter shows a lot of skin as she takes a bath with the Creature from the Black Lagoon. (Yes, it’s that kind of movie.) That’s about it, though. There aren’t any equivalent male characters.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

This has as much blood and guts as you’d expect from a wacky horror-comedy called Saturday the 14th. In other words, not a lot. There are a lot of monsters, though, and the monster designs are pretty great. And only a little rip-offy.

The public domain version of the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

There is a surprising amount of special effects for a cheapo, early 80s horror film. I’m not saying this is a good thing. But points for effort.

The vampire couple turning into weirdly glowy bats.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Maybe. It celebrates the outsider and it says some satirical stuff about family dynamics and… You know what? I’m just making stuff up now. This isn’t gay at all. It’s fun, though. In a stupid, bland kind of way.

 

THE TALE OF THE GHASTLY GRINNER

I have looked into the face of fear, and it is blue and yellow.

Children who came of age in the 1990s have specific pop culture moments that they all share: everyone went to the theater to see Lion King, for example. Everyone remembers fighting over their favorite Power Ranger or Ninja Turtle. (Blue and Venus. Kidding.) And everyone, and I mean everyone, was scared crapless by sewer grates because their older cousins/siblings let them watch It.

But one pop culture milestone that often goes unmentioned is how Nickelodeon's Are You Afraid of the Dark slowly infected the schoolyard conversation. Specific scenes and titles might change, but every adult who went to elementary school in the early-to-mid-90s was irreparably scarred by at least one moment from the show.

The more artsy kids will probably remember the intense sadness they felt while watching The Tale of the Lonely Ghost, about a kid THEIR AGE who had to haunt her bedroom for all eternity.

The sporty ones will probably remember The Tale of Watcher's Woods, where some kids are lost forever in a forest haunted by witches and an awful, awful tree spirit.

The class clowns will probably respond to the horrors that Zeebo the clown inflicted upon an innocent prankster in The (weirdly titled) Tale of Laughing in the Dark.

Me? I was a nerdy comics kid, and I really really got scared by The Tale of the Ghastly Grinner, where a demonic jester made everyone go insane and drip ooze from their mouths.

In the decades since, most people started clumping together AYAOTD and Goosebumps, because both were horror anthology shows about young Canadians overcoming monsters and learning life lessons. But based on the above descriptions, you can totally tell that Goosebumps had nothing on the sheer terror of this shows, particularly from the first three seasons.

Thankfully, pretty much every episode is available on Youtube, if you feel particularly copyright-infringementy today. But don't be surprised if you start getting legitimately scared. This show is the real deal.

CRITTERS

I'm not sure what country this poster is from...

but apparently Critters is a word in their language.

The Critters franchise has an interesting relationship with Titanic (the movie, not the ill-fated vessel, though I have seen part four, so maybe it has a little in common with the ill-fated vessel). As you are already aware, the third installment introduces Leonardo DiCaprio to the movie-going public. And now this film, which stars the red-haired doctor from latter-day ER, introduces the career of Titanic villain Billy Zane back before he looked like an evil genie. (Seriously. Google this man.) I'm half-expecting to see a Celine Dion cameo in Critters 2 where she pounds her chest and acts all Canadian.

Aside from that strange coincidence, I would like to say that this movie is a lot of fun. Mr. Zane offers some much-needed beefcake while rolling around in a barn, and the proceedings are campy enough to keep the gay kids happy. Is it on the level of Gremlins? Nope. Ghoulies? Sure. Munchies? Naw, this is waaay above Munchies. But when viewing the weird mini-genre of 80s-era horror-comedies about little creatures that attack small towns, this is definitely one of the most fun installments. (It also continues the Gremlins tradition of having a young kid be best friends with a fully grown adult male, just because. That's not a knock against the film; it's just a weird little trend.)

Check this out. It's a cozy little blast of cheese. And yeah, that was a weirdly phrased sentence.

CRITTERS 3

Here's a fun fact that many of my readers might not know. I'm actually Leonardo DiCaprio. I get tired of making award-winning movies and talking to other famous people about global warming, so I write this gay-themed horror blog to unwind.

The second thing you might not know about me is that I got my start pre-What's-Eating-Gilbert-Grape by starring in Critters 3, otherwise known as the second sequel to a Gremlins-ripoff that no one remembers. From there, I transitioned into more legit movies, such as The Aviator and The Beach and the upcoming J. Edgar.

Now, if you are a Leonardo DiCaprio fan, then you should probably stay away from this horrid, horrid film. If you are a Leonardo DiCaprio SUPER-fan, however, then please watch me get my start in the biz. It's sort of like witnessing a really uncomfortable-looking childbirth, only the child is my career and the birth is this film, and the vagina is cinema, I guess.

HALLOWEEN FIFTEEN

The good folks over at The Moon Is a Dead World have started a new holiday blog tradition called the Halloween Fifteen, where guest bloggers drop in and contribute a review for one of fifteen horror films throughout October. So far, there have been two reviews, with 13 more to go. (For those who don't believe in mathematics, I was able to figure it out for ya. See how I did that?) But seriously, check it out.

CRITTERS 4

Dear Horror Movies,

Why do you send your characters into space during the fourth installment? I'm talking to you, Critters, Leprechaun, and Hellraiser. Your first two installments are the best. And your third, while not as good, adds some new blood into the equation by changing the setting to the big city. But your fourth installment decides to throw up its hands and shout, "You know what? Space? Why not?"

Now, this is not a letter of complaint. I am a fan of all of these franchises. And in the case of Leprechaun and Hellraiser, the fourth film is certainly not the worst in the series. But I'm just wondering, did the three of you get together and decide to screw with us? Did Pinhead call an executive meeting and brainstorm ideas about where to go with number 4? "Cancun, the North Pole, summer camp... Nah. Let's try space? That's the ticket!"

I can't think of anything as weirdly specific as this trend. And I can only imagine how other franchises would manage the same premise (Sleepaway Camp, Saw, The Howling). Just the thought of The Howling in Space gives me goosebumps. (In space, no one can hear you howl.) They could have it take place on the moon, and then werewolves would constantly be in their wolf forms. Also, they'd fight astronauts. And maybe there would be a giant space spider like in Leprechaun 4.

So, thanks, Hellraiser, Critters, and Leprechaun for planting that idea in my head. Now I can't unthink it.

Sincerely,

LGBTerror

FINAL DESTINATION 5

Directed by Steven Quale

Written by Eric Heisserer and  Jeffrey Reddick (characters)

Starring Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Arlen Escarpeta and Tom Cruise

WHA’ HAPPENED?

All the Final Destination movies follow the exact same formula. By this point in the series, writing a synopsis is like filling in a Mad Libs sheet: A bunch of coworkers survive a bridge collapse because one of them had a psychic vision. Then death stalks them one-by-one until there are only three main characters left. After a climactic scene at a restaurant, the remaining characters think they’re safe, until there’s a plane crash.

WHAT YOU SAY?

"Y'all just be careful now."

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’m a sucker for 3D horror films. Still one of the most enjoyable experiences Ive ever had at a theater was during My Bloody Valentine, when I got to cheer along with hundreds of strangers as a jaw bone flew at us. I’m also a Final Destination fan. This series is Nightmare on Elm Street for the new millennium.

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Like all Final Destination films, this installment lives or dies by the elaborate and paranoi-inducing death scenes. And this one had some doozies. The laser eye surgery scene was a joy to witness. The acupuncture scene rivaled Miss Lewton's death from number one for outlandishness. But the gymnastics scene was this film's crowning achievement. It was suspenseful and brutal and so, so good.

Full disclosure: gymnasts creep me out. I blame that Keri Strugg.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

This film has a very attractive male cast, right down to the Tom Cruise look-a-like. You’d think there would be some good, old fashioned beefcake on display. Well, my friends, the only character to show some skin is the character no one wanted to see naked. I will give you a hint: he’s third from the left:

Yeah. I know.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

All Final Destinations have brutal, awesome endings, but the first one (with the sudden demise of Kerr Smith) was always my favorite… until today. This movie has one of the coolest endings I’ve ever seen. Not just for an FD movie, but for ANY movie. I was this close to cheering.

OK. IS IT GAY?

Not explicitly. This series has yet to produce a gay character of substance. And with the underperformance of this installment, I doubt that there will be future sequels to right that wrong. That said, I couldn’t care less. This film is an utter joy from start to finish. If they made a new FD movie every year, I would shell out the big bucks for 3D. These movies are absolutely worth the time.

And can I just add that this film has my new favorite opening credits?

DANCE OF THE DEAD

STATS:

Dance of the Dead

2008

Director: Gregg Bishop

Writer: Joe Ballarini

Starring: Jared Kusnitz, Greyson Chadwick, Chandler Darby

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A prom gets attacked by zombies and the outcasts have to band together to save the day. That, my friends, is the perfect movie premise.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I bought this DVD for cheap because I love zombie horror-comedies, I love high school movies, and I recognized that main kid from an episode of Community.

In Community, he wasn’t armed.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Not a lot. These are kids, and what’s so great about this film is that they really look like they’re high-school-aged. They aren’t like the chiseled 30-somethings who star in typical high school horror movies. They look real, so that’s the trade-off we get. No nudity, but characters who seem real. I’m fine with that.

(In fact, one actor looks like he’s about thirty, and another character refers to him as that one high school kid who looks a lot older than he should’ve. We all had one in our schools. In my school, that kid was named Kramer.)

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Like all good zombie films, there is plenty of both blood and guts to keep the gorehounds properly drenched. Of particular note is a scene where two horny teenagers (who both are turning into zombies) start making out in a bathroom stall. Their make-out session quickly turns into a feast as they eat pieces of each other. (There was a similar scene in an episode of Supernatural a few years back.)

Even better, though, is that the zombie make-up is really, really good. Direct-to-DVD affairs like this are notoriously hit-and-miss, but this one is a definite hit.

Why you need to be choosy when receiving oral.

OK. IS IT GAY?

This is one of the films that I had in mind when I first thought of blogging. This is a film without any explicit gay content, but its sensibilities as very much in line with gay horror fans.

Good job, Dance of the Dead. You’re prom royalty