ALL GROWN UP!

I always get a strange feeling whenever I see a familiar TV character looking slightly off-brand. For example, I recently re-watched the first episode of the Simpsons during the Fox 25th Anniversary Special. There was a scene, only about half-a-minute long, that showed Homer talking to Barney. Only Barney was sober and had yellow hair. It just felt wrong to me. He looked almost exactly the way he does now, but that hair color thing really threw me off. It was a strange sensation, and not a very pleasant one.

The same can be said for the semi-popular Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up!, which takes all the familiar characters and ages them into preteens. Tommy now has a full head of hair, but otherwise has the same lumpy head-shape. Chucky looks creepily similar, just a little bigger and sans-diaper. And Spike, the dog, has gray fur and looks like he has worms.

I really cannot explain how creepy this whole show comes across to me. I mean, I had stopped watching Rugrats back in the mid-90s, when they had originally gone off the air before their first movie. I had very little emotional connection to the characters anymore, and yet... here they are, the same yet different, and everything seems so wrong.

All Grown Up! lasted for several years, so maybe I am the only one who felt this way. But it is a quite intense feeling, and every time I see another still from this show, I get a really strange queasy feeling. I do not want my cartoons to grow up. Please stop them.

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER

                                               

STATS:

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER
1974
Written and Directed by Brian Clemens
Starring Horst Janson (seriously)
                   

WHA’ HAPPENED?

A rich family goes around sucking the life out of pretty, young girls in order to stay youthful forever. Our titular captain (What is he the captain of? No idea.) comes to the rescue, defeating these age-sucking jerkwads with his fencing skills, luck with the ladies, and obscure vampire knowledge. (Fun fact: vampires can bring dead toads back to life just by walking by.)
                 

                       

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’ve always been a Hammer fan, and I knew this entry in their mid-70s output is particularly strange. Not oppressively strange in a kung-fu-vampires kind of way, but strange enough to catch my interest on a lazy Saturday morning.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Kronos is shirtless a good 40% of the movie. He has one dimly lit sex scene, and a bunch of innocent bromantic scenes with another male character that turn slightly more homoerotic because hes shirtless. (In one memorable exchange, his buddy touches the captain's torso scar and says that he knows he has guts, because he’s already seen his insides.) The actor playing Kronos isn’t exactly someone to write home about, but hey.
                 

                           

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Mostly slight trickles of mouth blood and glumpy old-age make-up. Hammer has done a lot better in the past.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

I enjoyed the wonky mythos that this film built around its vampire characters. Specifically, each vampire can only be killed in specific ways. Some have to be staked, some have to be burnt, and some have to get a crucifix to sink into their embarrassingly vulnerable chest. It must suck to be the vampire that dies via garlic pizza.
                    

                           

OK. IS IT GAY?

Yeah. The film builds a strange rhythm where it has a bromance scene with Kronos and the doctor who summoned him (the scar-caressing one), followed very quickly by Kronos making sexy-time with his female companion. Either hes bi, or he needs to sort through some issues fast. That, coupled with a particularly androgynous son-of-a-vampire, makes for some pleasant 70s escapism with a slight queer bent. Fun times all around.
                          

THE DARKEST HOUR

For a movie about the world ending by massive alien-based slaughter, this movie is laughably bloodless. I guess that comes from the premise: alien balls of electricity take over the world by zapping humans into ashes. No carnage. No gore. Just PG-13 ash murder.

This is not a complaint, though. The movie is fast and enjoyable enough that I really got into the rhythm of run-hide-zap-scream-motivational-speech. The dialogue is pretty dire (one climactic speech outside a submarine is particularly painful), but that never really mattered to me. The best fwiends drama between the two male leads was also half-baked, but thankfully so, because who comes into a movie like this wanting to spend half the run-time watching two guys bicker about a failed business venture!

As I write this, I realize that this does not sound like a ringing endorsement... and it really isnt. This film is bad in a bland, forgettable way. But I will say that, if in the right mindset, you can wring a few moments of enjoyment out of it. But ignore the speeches. God damn those are awful.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

                   
The Cabin in the Woods is unclassifiable. Is it horror, sci fi, or comedy? Is it a clever mash-up of all three? Does it lovingly pay tribute to past horror films, or mock their genre tropes?

                      

In the end, I walked out of the theater not sure what to make of it, but the smile on my face told me that it really didn’t matter. I’m not exaggerating when I say that The Cabin in the Woods is the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen so far this year. Perhaps it’s my favorite horror-comedy since Scream 4. And everyone knows how much I love Scream 4.

                           

                     

Because I enjoyed the unusual twists and rhythms of this movie, I don’t want to give anything away in this review. I want everyone who walks into this movie to have as little knowledge as possible, because the ride is such an unusual and twisty one. But I will say the dialogue is Whedonesque and clever, the deaths are memorable, and the last half hour is filled to the brim with moments that would make any horror fan want to stand up and cheer. The world that this movie creates for itself is insanely clever and immersive; it basically explains how every horror film ever made could co-exist in the same, crazy, wonked-out universe.

                                  

Please, please, please see this movie while it is still in the theaters. Pay the ticket price. This is a singular experience. I may not know how to classify it, except to say that it’s good. Really, really good.

                            

HAPPY ARBOR DAY EVERYONE!

Trees! Trees! Carly’s Arboy Day Foundation,

spread the word across the nation about TREES!

Trees are terrific! Ah ha!

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

   
So we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that Nick Swardson did not make a movie starring any of his gay stereotype characters. The bad news is Nick Swardson made a movie.
   

This film, produced by the American auteur Adam Sandler, helped Mr. Sandler set a record for the most Razzie nominations in a single year. It also set a record for one of the lowest-grossing wide-release movies in the history of film. Let us see how the title character, porn star Bucky Larson, responds to the bad news...
       

     
Oh I see. Bucky is a freakish man-child, and everyone else in the movie are actual, normal characters who have to help him grow up.
    

   
...No. I guess not. I guess everyone in this movie is an off-putting weirdo. Good thing they decided not to cast any big-name stars who might otherwise derail their careers...

   
Oh look. I see Don Johnson. Well, he got a paycheck out of it.
   

   
And of course, this would not be an Adam Sandler movie without an addled old lady who gets abused by people. I will be you three dollars that she gets run over by a car.
   
Well, this is clearly turning out to be a train wreck, but at least there were no A-list celebrities slumming it in the film. We can rest assured that none of our favorite actors had to endure the awfulness of this film.
     

   

Wednesday!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!

THE HORROR SHOW (HOUSE 3)

I didn’t want to write a full review of House 3 the same way I wrote one for House 1, 2, and 4. Why? Because this isn’t really a House movie. It’s a title-grabbing cash-in, and I’ve always felt a little angry at this movie, because it throws off the numbering system of the entire House franchise. (Much like the Italian Zombi movies, which either skipped number one or number two, depending on how you look at them.)

     

 So yes, as you can tell, I am very boring at parties.

       

 But the point is, I finally sat through House 3 yesterday (or at least the first two thirds, before Netflix decided to lay a big old fart on my Internet connection). And my verdict: pleasantly surprised. I was expected a straight-up horror movie, which would go against the horror-comedy spirit of the other two installments. But this was actually kind of funny. Or at least it tried to be. The ghost (because this movie has a single ghost) terrorizes our poor main character, but he actually has a sense of humor about it. There were a few scenes in this film that actually reminded me of the similarly overlooked Shocker.

      

No, I don’t recommend this. But I’m glad I saw it. Not bad, Mr. Cash Grab. Not bad.

PROPHECY

STATS:

THE PROPHECY

1995

Written and Directed by Gregory Widen

WHA’ HAPPENED?

Angels try to kill humans. It’s a lot like Legion, except Paul Bettany is now Eric Stoltz and the story actually makes sense. But it basically comes down to the merry fact that angels are messed up. Also, Christopher Walken is Gabriel and he wants to destroy Heaven. I believe the entire story is based on the Book of Revelations by Michael Bay.

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

This is a fairly well regarded horror-action movie. It spawned four sequels (according to the bargain bin DVD set I got at K-mart for 99 cents and a ball of twine). I actually have never seen this movie, though I have seen the little-loved Prophecy from the guy who wrote The Omen. That was about a killer bear mutant, and it somehow didn’t include a scene where Christopher Walken lights Eric Stoltz's head on fire. So… Basically what I’m saying is that I really needed to see this movie.

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

Lots of accidental homoeroticism, thank you very much, courtesy of the amazeballs sexual tension between TMNT's Casey Jones and LOTR's Aragorn. (What fan fiction!)

There are so many back rubs in Hell.

…AAAAANNNNNNDDDD…. Let’s look at that from another angle, shall we? This is hilarious.

Front rubs, too.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
It’s interesting to watch a movie with a very, very evil Satan as a key supporting character, and yet he is NOT the bad guy. I guess even Satan isn’t as wicked-awesome as Christopher Walken, Gigli-notwithstanding.

There are clever touches amidst all the dumb-headed voiceover that adds absolutely nothing to the story. (Seriously. Where’s Angela Chase when you need her!) But the story moves along quickly and Virginia Madsen is beautiful as ever. I can see why this has a cult following, and while I’m not quite ready to drink this particular brand of Cool-Aid, I did have a good time.

Here is Satan, walking into the sunset.

DRACULA 2: ASCENSION

STATS:

Dracula II: Ascension

2003

Directed by Patrick Lussier (Drive Angry! My Bloody Valentine 3D!)

        

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

                                        

It’s my strong hand.

   

WHA’ HAPPENED?

People find Dracula’s corpse and try to bring it back to life via blood, because what’s the worst that can happen? Spoiler alert (because this movie is stupid): the entire thing was orchestrated by a rich guy who’s slowly dying of [insert random disease here] because he wants to harness the power of Dracula blood. He’s basically the mad scientist of the movie.

   

ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?

I’m a fan of the cheesy original, starring Gerard Butler as a too-screamy Dracula and Vitamin C as a look-this-was-filmed-in-the-late-90s vampire bride. This one, however, has none of that. But the leads are uniformly hot and the story looks basic and diverting.

   

SHIRTS AND SKINS:

We have the always welcome Jason Scott Lee (Lilo and Stitch, Ghoulies III, that Jungle Book live-action movie from the 90s) as a bad-ass action priest, which is the best kind of priest. We also have one of the London twins (I didn’t care enough to Google which one, because they are, in fact, twins), and this was filmed pre-bloat, apparently.

      

BLOOD AND GUTS:

Where, there is blood. Lots of blood. So drink up!

    

Heeeeyyyy you guuuyyyyssss!

         

FINAL THOUGHTS?

Not bad. It’s not the time capsule awesomeness of the original (Did I mention Vitamin C?), but it’s a fun, actiony movie taking place mostly in an old abandoned castle. The first movie was in New Orleans, I believe, but the characters in this one apparently drove from there to Romania. Or at least they traveled by map, Muppet-style!

Filmed at Grey Gardens.

    

Anyway, a solid, entertaining film, though not solid enough to bring me back for Dracula 3: Chipwrecked.

SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES

Ray Bradbury is a genius. I’ve read several of his books, and while I appreciate his stories more than I actively enjoy them, he does know his way around some killer concepts: the idea of a dark carnival is quite bad-ass, indeed.

I have not read the story this movie was based on, but I used to catch it on the Disney Channel every year around Halloween time. They don’t play it so much, mostly to give extra time to wacky sitcoms. But also because HOLY CRAP this movie is terrifying. The spider lady, the aging backwards, the showdown in the library, the amputee footballer, the horrible parades… Watching this movie is like watching a perfect old-timey town slowly being taken over by something dark and horrible. The story doesn’t always fit together, and plot points crash into each other without the slightest bit of connective tissue (…uh, something, something lightning rods…). But coherence is overrated, and this film succeeds in being creepy as hell. Check it out the next time it’s on TV. You’d be surprised what they could get away with in a kid’s movie. There isn’t anything overtly gory or gross, but the tone is creepy and curdled and so, so good.

PRINCESS OF MARS

Yowza.

Is it weird that I was rooting for the bad guys throughout this movie? I mean, they were represented by the hot, semi-nude, and bitchy Traci Lords, while we were supposed to feel sympathy for the tusked green natives who talk in fakey accents and gesture a lot. That doesn’t sound like much of a competition to me. Give me Traci Lords any day.

Yeah, I said it.

And give me this low-budget train wreck over the high-budget train wreck of John Carter any day. While that movie is chock-full of loudness and wall-to-wall CGI, this one is the kind of simple, dunderheaded mess that is much more fun to watch. Admittedly, I haven’t seen the big-screen version, because I don’t want to contribute to our blockbuster lets-watch-anything culture. But when I inevitably catch it riddled with commercials one late night on FX, I know what to expect: the same story as this film, just without any sense of real joy or adventure.

Does that make this movie good? God no. It’s a mess. But I think, deep down, it knows it’s a mess. After all, it stars Antonio Sabato Jr. alongside green guys with tusks.

CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL

I am fascinated with low-budget independent musicals. There is just something grand and epic about the musical genre, so watching something grand and epic rendered on a tiny, do-it-yourself scale is unlike any other type of indie. Indie musicals are special. Case-in-point: I just saw Colma the Musical, which has some gay interest but very little in regards to horror, so it probably would not be a good fit for this website. But watching it inspired me to check out a few more cheapie musicals, specifically this one. Cannibal!

I caught it back in the late-90s when my brother and I were obsessed with all things South Park. We worshipped Trey Parker and Matt Stone. And, unbeknownst to my brother, I had the biggest effing crush on Trey Parker. I mean, look at him. He looks so wholesome and so...

Well, maybe wholesome is little off. But rewatching this film was a lot of fun mainly because it was an opportunity to remember my schoolboy crush on this guy. The songs were good, and a lot of the humor worked. Some of the jokes... not so much. Maybe I have since grown out of the rhythm of this kind of humor, because there were specific moments in the film that I found hysterical the first time around that now left me... well, not laughing.

Here is an example:

Still, Cannibal! is a solid movie and an admirable effort for a low-budget student film. It definitely shows off the glimmers of talent that Parker and Stone will eventually display. But, like I said, my favorite part was spending some time with a long-forgotten crush.

GATE 2: TRESPASSERS

I’m a huge fan of The Gate. I always have been. Any movie with hordes of stop-motion mini-creatures invading late-80s suburbia is right up my alley. I like Gremlins, and I love Ghoulies, and I tolerate Munchies. Plus, it had a young Stephen Dorff, the pocket hunk from Blade, back when he was a little kid with the exact same head as his adult version. Oh yeah, The Gate was a fun ride.

So I was always curious about The Gate 2. I enjoy tracking down little-seen, little-loved sequels to horror classics (Fright Night 2: The Squeakquel), and there are fewer movies less seen and less loved than this one. It was one of the few films, along with Saturday the 14th and The Bermuda Depths, that I regularly looked for on Netflix Instant. But when Netflix failed me, Youtube delivered. Check out all ten parts of this movie as soon as possible; otherwise you just might miss it.

Gate 2 is totally Dorff-less, and instead focuses on his creepy William Finley-looking best friend who tries to open the same gate and unleash a bunch of demons because his dad is alcoholic or something. There’s also an unearned romance with Pamela Segall, because there has to be a romance, right? I’m not going to focus too much on the story, because it feels like a lame version of the original, and comes across as centerless and weirdly short, even though its runtime is roughly the same as the original. (Such is the power of Dorff, I guess.) I will say that the goofy mini-creatures are back, and the effects are still a lot of fun, and there is the added twist of our main characters crossing over into the other side. (In this movie, WE are the Trespassers. Apparently.) But all that adds up to a competent, enjoyable ride that you’ll probably forget in the near future.

I would like to mention, though, that I experienced a very specific thrill watching this movie that I didn’t understand at first. As the credits began, I was genuinely excited about what would happen next. And even when the reality of this movie slowly deflated my excitement, there was still something there, thudding away in my little fanboy heart. Long after the movie was over, I finally figured out what that feeling was: the excitement of tracking down a rare movie. In the post-Netflix age, there really isn’t such a thing as rarity anymore. Everything is at your fingertips, and everything is equal. That’s definitely a good thing. But at the same time, it’s not. Without the need to track something down, to stumble across the rare VHS or DVD in some bargain bin, nothing feels special anymore. Not in the way it used to. Tracking down this movie somehow made it more special to me, even though the movie itself was underwhelming and passable. I have a feeling this will be one of the last movies that gives me that kind of thrill. And for that, I definitely treasure my Gate 2 experience.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Collection Completed

What I Thought It Was About: A madman rounds up humans to assemble the perfect wife or something. He only needs one body part left—let’s say the eyes—when he picks a donor who knows how to fight back.

What It Was Actually About: Beloved character actor M. Emmet Walsh is such a douche to his animal-loving wife that he taxidermies her pets. So she taxidermies him. The last shot of the show (before the Cryptkeeper says a bunch of stuffing puns) is his sewn up, bloated corpse. The end.

Adorable. He looks like a bumbling sheriff from a mid-60s Disney cartoon.

Was It Good? Well, it was a shocker. As far as nasty little two-person plays go, this one wasn’t too bad. I just wish both characters were slightly more likeable. I mean, they HAVE to be jackasses. The ending wouldn’t make sense if the husband and wife were better people. But the audience has to sit through a lot of sniping and complaining to get to the twist. I get the distinct impression that this kind of story works much better as a 6-page comic than a 22-minute TV episode. It’s less annoying that way.

Speaking of taxidermy, this story was directed by Mary Lambert of Pet Semetary.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT: Lover Come Hack to Me

What I Thought It Was About: The very special Valentine episode about a woman who suspects her husband is a serial killer, but then you find out that they’re BOTH serial killers or something. (See! I can totally write an episode!)

What It Was Actually About: A husband plans to murder his new wife (for money, of course). I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the tables will be turned and the wife will murder the husband. Especially because that wife is played by crazy actress extraordinaire Amanda Plummer.

Was It Good? Sure, as far as these things go. It’s basically a two-person play that slowly reveals more and more craziness about the wife. The acting is solid, and you can’t go wrong with Amanda Plummer wielding giant axes and whatnot.