Saturday, April 2, 2011

Evil Bong

Evil Bong
Director: Charles Band (His name is before the title. Like Walt Disney.)
Writer: August White
Starring: David Weidoff, other non-famous people, Tommy Chong

The film opens with white-man-reggae music, pictures of pot leaves, and credits that include “Tommy Chong as Jimbo.” That pretty much sums up the tone.

Evil Bong is about four roommates who buy an evil lounge chair. Actually, they buy an evil bong. Whenever they use the evil bong (named Eebee, which is short for Edie Brackell), they get sucked into a strip club universe inside the bong. There, they are murdered by demonic strippers who eat them alive with their MonsterBras. (For the record, MonsterBras are actually real, and you can purchase them through Full Moon’s website. They may or may not murder you.)

The only one who can stop Eebee is the nerd roommate, who teams up with Tommy Chong, Eebee’s previous owner. Will they save the day? Yes, yes they will.

“Give me a monkey, bro. Come on. Give me a f#*king monkey.”

“You do know what red meat is?”

“Oh. Monkey.”

“You just suck. You don’t blow. That’s all.”

“It looks like an old, moldy dick. I ain’t sucking that shit.”

“Cease and desist with your offensive gyrations immediately.”

This is a movie that really, really wants to be a cult classic. (Evidence: some faux-quotable lines and a few too many cameos.) I’m not sure how many people have joined this particular cult, but it does have two sequels so far. It also dragged MonsterBras into the public conversation.

Lots of topless female demon-strippers. A few demon-strippers with evil boobs. One male stripper partially concealed inside a go-go cage. The jock character brags about his rippled physique, and yet we see nothing.

All the murders come courtesy of killer boobs. We have shark-boobs that gnaw off a guy’s arm. We have lip-boobs that give a fatal blow job. And we have skull-boobs that eat a character’s neck meat. (I think this paragraph will tell you whether Evil Bong is your kind of movie.)

(Special note: This is a movie made for stoned people. Of course it has plot holes.)

Once the characters are transported inside the bong, none of them act high except for Janet, who turns into Slut-Janet. (Insert Rocky Horror reference here.)

Once the first roommate dies, why do the remaining three decide to hide the body? And why doesn’t Janet freak out when she finds out that her new boyfriend tried to hide a dead body?

Jimbo (aka Tommy Chong) says that he survived the bong before, but that his brain cells didn’t. If Eebee can eat your soul after one toke, how did Jimbo manage to escape?

What were the vitamins that Jimbo gave our heroes?

Why are we introduced to Larnell’s grandfather and new step-grandma? Nothing happens except old-people jokes. Where was the necessary murder scene to justify the extra characters? (That said, Dame Rosemary Cornwallis has replaced Maria Conchita Alonzo as my new favorite name.)
Don't look so excited!

How did Gingerdead Man end up trapped inside an evil bong? (This is my new favorite question, and I plan to use this as an ice breaker at a bar.)

Pogo sticks are surprisingly unsexy.

Did the MonsterBra craze ever catch on? Please tell me yes.

Luann does the world’s craziest sexy-dance that leaves two characters horrified and one character asleep.

That old lady was the piano player from “The Nightman Cometh” episode of It’s Always Sunny. Damn, she’s got range.

Larnell has “got a mind like a urinal cake.” Maybe if his parents hadn’t named him Larnell…

Yes and no. All the characters are decidedly straight (with the possible exception of Luann, who had much more chemistry with Janet than Brett). Yet the main characters’ camaraderie is very frat-house-homoerotic and they never hook up with the ladies. (One falls asleep while being seduced, and the other one pays more attention to the dead body in the room.) When they finally succumb to their urges, they are eaten alive by demonic lady parts. I’m not sure what message that conveys, aside from “Don’t let your girlfriend buy a fricking MonsterBra” (now available for purchase).

Horror movies have a history of offering up nudity while simultaneously delivering anti-sex messages. This is a good example of that. On a gayness scale of one to ten, I’d give Evil Bong two Cary Grants and one Paul Lynde.

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