Director: Luca Barcovici
Writer: Luca Barcovici, Jefery Levi, Chris Ver Wiel
Starring: Dean Cameron (from
!), Toni Basil (from Mickey!), Thomas Dolby (from She Blinded Me With Science!), Tawny Fere (from… uh… Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish) Ski School
Oh, that Tawny Fere.
Ralph is a vampire living in the halcyon days of the late 80s. He doesn’t drink blood or kill people, and his reflection is kind of an asshole to him. To make matters worse, he’s a virgin, because his true love was murdered by a pirate before he could turn her into a vampire. Every twenty-two years, she gets resurrected and murdered by a pirate. Can Ralph save the love of his lives and break the cycle?
Yes. Yes he can.
ISN’T THAT SPECIAL?
This is a rock musical about vampires. Needless to say, it has a cult following. (Tune in later when we compare this movie to the Canadian film Suck. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.)
There’s a lot of sexualized rock star prancing across the stage (for both Ralph and his lady friend). And for soulmates who haven’t seen each other for an entire lifetime, there’s a surprisingly light amount of heavy petting (i.e. none). Ralph’s vamp mother Toni Basil gets to dance around in tight dresses, which is campy fun for the whole family.
Why? Because how often do I get the opportunity to talk about Toni Basil?
As I said, Ralph doesn’t drink people. He’s a vegetarian vampire before that concept got popular and lame.
Indeed they do. Indeed. They. Do.
OK. IS IT GAY?
Not particularly. The subject matter makes it seem of gay interest, but it’s really not. For a movie about soulmates, there’s very little romance. For a movie about vampires, there’s very little action. The sense of humor is zany and Savage Steve Holland style, and the songs are insanely catchy. (“I wanna rock you LAAAAA.”) It’s a fun little film, but it’s not particularly gay, especially for a movie centered around dressing up and rocking out. Let’s give this a non-gay (but gay-friendly) Johnny Depp.
So... he's French now?